A little letter for myself tonight.

I feel like nobody is actually listening nowadays.. and for that, I want to practice more of this. Listening is a form of self-awareness; listening can be a form of healing.

For most of my life, I have wrecked myself with the idea of many things that came upon me. I didn’t give a shit about how to re-analyze every little thing I received; instead, I was impulsively making a bunch of foreign decisions. I was becoming far away from myself — running up until the hills of everything that seemed out of place.

I didn’t even have time to breathe, take a rest, make time for myself.. to listen. To listen on what’s the most significant point of myself. I didn’t take care of myself enough that I was out of breath; I was out of sight. I was wrecked! I should’ve been there for myself more.

A little story began from the way I saw everything in such imperfect ways. A grand mindset of “how to make everything perfect.”

Seeing myself not being treated right in a company? Just leave that place!

Seeing a person belittle my opinions? I proved them wrong! Make them pay their prices!

Seeing myself being lonely and out of love? Just pick whoever could provide for my needs!

Everything has to be perfect.. until what point that I feel satisfied enough?

I don’t know.

That’s the biggest self-awareness that I realize a lot these days. I was selfish; I wasn’t even responsible for myself. I didn’t take enough care and love for myself. Instead, I blame people. I blame things; I even blame god. I blame everything outside of myself — for the things I should be responsible for.

“You are responsible for your own happiness, you know?” This takes me back to that one specific line on the Bojack Horseman series I watched last year. It has always been our responsibility to create a tremendous, plenteous choice for ourselves — whether it is to be happy, sad, lonely, loved, or whatever we want to make the most in life. And what I did the most was always blaming everything outside of my inner being because I never deserved any of it!

Of course, I do deserve happiness. I do deserve all the goodness in life.

And for that… I want to return home to my own self, body, and being… I want to listen to this person more. I want to heal them. I want to make more time for them and take care of them. And right now, I want to listen what the actual things that I have wanted to say to myself for a loooong time..

Hey, Ril. It’s okay to feel disappointed a lot of time — with yourself, with people, with the place you’ve worked in, with your parents, with your friends, with the systems, with the politics, with God… It’s okay. It’s okay to also be sad and broken for the time being; it’s okay to put so many emotions until you reach a point where you want to get up and move. It’s okay to take quite a long time to realize that everything is within you.. everything has always been within you.

You said you want to leave it all, but it’s totally not the great solution for all that, Ril. You are more than capable of getting through this all, and look at how much you’ve come to this exact point! You are doing sooo well, you have forgiven a lot of things that happened in your past, you talked with your 7th years old self a few weeks ago, you also have written such a long ass letter to your papi in heaven, you have tried your fucking best — and it’s okay if one day you feel like you couldn’t. You can do it later, and you will because I know you so much that you also missed yourself so much. You are a happy person, Ril! Not a sad one. They’re just some grey clouds that block your lights. And, you are light.

I believe that this won’t be an easy journey.. but hey! You got this! You’re an amazing person, Ril. You’ll be great in life.. whatever this will lead you. But you’re the owner of your life. I know you’ll do great in life :)