It’s another emotional phase, and I’m not complaining. I’m learning.

I wonder what happened to me over the past year. I feel like something tremendously changed within myself that I couldn’t even explain how.. and why?

I looked at myself tons of times, “You could’ve done so much better if you weren’t such a slow head.”

I wonder what could have possibly happened if I didn’t choose any decisions I made last year. I thought this was all the trauma, my inability to erase every horrific scene I had in my head… But sometimes, I wonder, maybe I was just too lazy to move forward? Maybe I got too comfortable in my own swamp. I couldn’t swim well enough to find redemption.

I spent most of my days now wondering, thinking, and looking at my phone to pause such noises in my head. Two and a half years of pandemics have brought me plenteous novel experiences that I need to grasp with a heavy breath… What if everything weren’t real? What if I wake up one day and none of these are real? My mind kept saying that nonstop. It’s somehow like a loop.

I can’t feel confident with everything I have and what I currently aim for. Everything always looks blurry in my head–it’s like my body didn’t let me be a whole. There is always something missing. Sure, I am grateful for everything I have now; things are slowly moving better for my own good. But I realize it’s one thing I always do: I let myself disappear with my lousy thoughts. And it happens for god knows how many times.

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote down my thoughts; it was difficult enough to put down such messy phrases in my head. It’s just… such a confusing phase. I don’t know what I am doing in my life, but I am just simply living some of those days—step by step. I have done things progressively compared to the depressing months I had encountered before. I have found the love of my life, an equal partner I’d love to spend most of my days with. I have experienced many beautiful lessons that have made me stronger and wiser. But then, yeah, it’s still a long journey–and I’m not stopping.

I might not know how to swim correctly to get to the finish line, nor do I know how to prepare to be a good swimmer. It’s all a blurry line–but I’ll never stop looking.