I'll never be that kind of feminist on social media.

Feminism topics have always been on my agenda for academic and personal interests. I think it has always been a major question in my head since I was in college. How becomes a woman literally means that you're dealing with tons of unfortunate fates for a lifetime. And that always bugs me the most. I chose gender study as my master's degree major last year to prove the stuff I have always read and studied on the sidelines of our society's double standards. But in fact, the questions grew bigger than the ones I always had before. It formed so many out-of-mind illustrations of the reality I have experienced with plenteous communities outside my circles — it rather deconstructs a bunch of prevalent mindsets I thought all feminists should have: that is being such a strong, patriotic woman who is willing to dedicate herself to change the world for better.

While in fact… life is a tough place to live. And the world we're living in is filled with fucked up systems and norms formed from the deepest foundations that are too difficult to touch. I'm not going to give anyone hopeless, pessimistic statements that could bring you another reason to not be a feminist — because I think everyone should become one. But as much as all the media have portrayed some major representations of how to be a good feminist, I guess I will stick with the bad one. Because I couldn't always relate to every feminist post or article, I love when my male partner takes care of me, I find it beautiful when someone can embrace their feminine sides, and I don't find heterosexual relationships are always toxic as long as both sides have an equal agreement, and I find marriage lovely nowadays. And apparently, all the feminist images you see on social media would be against those who believe in such.

When I track back, it all started when I became curious about the term feminism and what I would find on the internet where all the extreme representations created those stereotypes of us, feminists. They would promote all the stamp of "men-hater" and "girl bosses" kind of vibes — which leads us to marginalize those grassroots feminists who do not move through mainstream platforms and agendas. Those people who couldn't get the idea of a free-the-nipples campaign or an abolish the pro-life protest.

Feminism goes way beyond that.

Feminism is made up of millions of different characters and backgrounds, with one common goal: equality. Yet, some of us, feminists, failed to even hold compassion for what is outside a society that is privileged enough to spread our ideas on social media. Some of them couldn't even have a chance to do that. Some of them were trying their asses enough to get out of their husbands' bondage, forbidding them from doing outdoor activities. Some of them do not have proper education, so they are entangled in child marriage. Some of them are disabled and experience sexual violence. Some of them still depend on capitalism to support their families. Some of them are trapped in a chain of poverty because of a failed system.

I guess I'm becoming a bad feminist when I'm not even interested in always spreading my voice on a platform that can backfire on me. I have also seen some of my fellow academics who degraded other feminists' narratives. This reflects a big part of me on what I always did in the past: persisting in my beliefs to change the world. While the fact all the questions have developed into a limitless curiosity for sustainable knowledge that I'll never stop learning and asking.

Consciousness comes gradually when you believe that nothing will last forever and you should only do as much good as possible. Not with an extreme ambition of changing the world, but conceiving the reality that we're only small particles coated with prolonged cruelty. And life is full of fleeting thoughts that will continue to grow and outgrow.

I can only write all the facts with modest expectations.

I can only provide several thoughts without self-justification.

I can only be a feminist who does not disdain every idea outside of feminism itself.

Humility in accepting how I am merely intermediaries to represent all who have no voice. We will never be the most righteous, the most heard, the most tormented. Feminism goes beyond the views, a situation where human life has no valid truth. But holding a togetherness to always be there for each other, respect each other, and fight for those who have not had the opportunity. Feminism becomes a strong layer for every human being to grow in the presence of the mind that reality will constantly change from time to time. And all we can do is to become better human beings every day for ourselves and others. I’m not against all the protestors or change-makers who have the entire sources to create a significant transformation for what feminists’ agenda always aimed for. I understand every reason behind all the anger, I even carry that one still. But I suppose you won’t find me to become one, or many others who stick to their own process of preserving equality.