Year’s end babble.
The saddest part of this year is that I haven’t done much of my creativity and hobbies, such as painting (for my own happiness, not for money), some DIYs stuff I used to make, also exploring things that makes me feel wholesome. But other than that, this year literally taught me a lot. Unlearning things, re-learning things, and learning new things. I went through a real journey of a committed relationship with my partner, and unlearn a lot of bad habits that I used to have and learn to become a better person everyday. I went through a deep journey of self-awakening about my financial and career anxiety. I got rejected by a lot of companies this year after finally realizing that I couldn’t stand alone with my idealist mindset all the time. I re-learn every single thing I known about myself, and tried to build a more mature version of it everyday. I unlearn all the mistakes and every traumatic stories behind every impulsive decision I used to make. I re-learn to slowly forgive myself and every little thing and decision I made in the past (well this is still an on-going task). I learn more compassion and love in the most beautiful way, re-gain my trust for people and especially… myself.
Of course, this is still my ongoing battle. Those things were just the ten percent of everything that literally happened in my life, but I want to take a time to believe that not every moment of a challenging year was bad. I want to take more time to consciously believe that everything will be fine at the end of the day. No matter how much of those pain still haunt you, no matter how much you still despise a person, a moment, or a memory that you wished you can wipe it all off. No matter how much fucked up you felt when you broke down and cried in the middle of the night, wished that god would take you away with all your pain. No matter how much shitty I felt after I made my own mistakes, regretting a lot of things and redoing my own bad behavior and causing people pains. No matter how much I even despise my own self for being the most ungrateful selfish bitch sometimes, who can’t even tolerate things that easy, and to re-learn everyday how to soften your heart for your own good. No matter how much I feel like I shouldn’t do this and that but I did it anyway… It will be fine at the end of the day.
And for so many times I beg myself to not feel anxious and scared all the time with all the possibilities that might come… I want to take a moment, just for tonight, to release everything. To let go of everything. Thank you so much, 2022, for everything you have brought and took from my life. I know I’m going to be just fine, just like I always do.
